Helper or Rescuer?

My son was helping a friend write his essay for his college application and was feeling great about supporting his friend in this way. My ‘parent-mind’ stepped in and asked if he had written the essay for his friend and I was delighted when he said (somewhat exasperated!), “No, Mom; to use one of your expressions, I didn’t give him fish. I taught him how to fish.”
This distinction can be a critical one for those of us in the ‘helping’ professions, or for those of us who care so much about others that we want to be helpful, often to the detriment of the true welfare of the recipient and of ourselves.
It is our compassionate humanness that wants the best for our loved ones, and yet, because it is often difficult for people to reach out for help even when they most desperately need it, we may sometimes find ourselves wanting more for them than they are ready to want for themselves.
Many people hang on to the once-accurate belief that they are helpless to control their lives.
When we are infants and toddlers, it is clear that we are not capable enough to control our own lives. 
We are not able to control even our own bodily functions, let alone protect ourselves or care for ourselves in ways that would ensure our own survival. The length of time we are dependent on parents is one factor in perpetuating the belief that we are powerless to help ourselves. 
Another is what I call the "side-effect of caring for others." Like all medications, there is the primary effect and the side effects. 
The primary effect of taking an aspirin for instance is to address the pain of a headache.  The side effect is that the stomach bleeds a little with each aspirin we take.
The primary effect of doing for others is to show them our care, our concern, our love.  Certainly this is true for loving parents of children.  But one side effect of caring for
others is apparent validation that they can't do for themselves. 
If I feed you because I want you to eat healthy foods, I am also behaving as if you cannot feed yourself. 
People who are constantly behaving in ways designed to get others to behave differently, are inadvertently sending the message, "I don’t think you can do this without me."  This message is an open invitation for others to become dependent on you for whatever you are doing for them.
When we want to help others by doing things for them, the general "rule of thumb" is: "Don't do anything for others they can, in fact, do for themselves, or can learn to do if you are willing to teach them."
And a corollary to this rule is: "Always be certain that the other wants your help, before you give it."
You can offer it, you can wait for them to ask, or you can state you want to help them, but do not carry out your action unless you are certain they desire it done.  One of the pieces of literature we hand out at the Hospice training refers to the distinction between being a ‘helper ‘and a’ rescuer’.
The qualities of a helper are:
*  Listens for a request
*    Presents an offer of help

• Gives only what is needed
• Checks with the person to be sure what is offered is still what is needed or wanted
• Checks the results. Is the person functioning better? Are goals being met? Is the person solving problems independently? Are they using suggestions successfully?

The Rescuer, on the other hand, may be an “over-carer”, or someone who

• Gives when not asked

*     Neglects to find out if the offer is welcome
*    Doesn’t get/hear feedback from the person

•  Doesn’t check results
• Takes care of others while neglecting one’s own needs

The effects of over-caring, or rescuing, can be hard on the giver. They can be giving so much that they are not able to take care of themselves. We have all been on an airplane and heard the instructions to put the oxygen mask on ourselves before we put it on our children.
The best way to take care of another is to ensure that your own needs are met,
May you continue to care "about" your loved ones and their welfare even though you may not take over caring "for" them.
And reaching for help when we need it, is always a self-caring act.

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