Listening

While trying to make a decision about a significant step in my life last week, and after a few days of what I considered to be productive thinking, I realized I was actually just running variations of the same tape over and over again in my head.
A or B? B or A? A or B?
So I called my friend Peg, who is also a Life Coach, and bribed her with a good dinner if she would come over and do for me what we coaches do best—just listen.
She came, she listened, she allowed me to rant and ramble, to imagine out loud, to hear myself think; and when I had exhausted my topic, she told me what she had heard.
She didn’t try to fix it or give me advice.
She didn’t use my dilemma as a springboard for a story of her own.
She didn’t get all emotional and involved personally.
She didn’t interrupt, interpret, or invalidate.
She looked me in the eyes, nodded, let me know she was really present and just listened.
Then she asked me a few juicy questions that helped me get more clarity about where I was going with this decision.
By the time we sat down to dinner, I felt relieved, heard, understood and also very clear about what my next step would be.
I had solved it all by myself using my own wisdom and thought processes.
How can something so simple as listening be such a challenge for us?
What happens to us listeners between the time the words begin to leave someones mouth and the time they are finished speaking?
Here are some typical listening habits that are counterproductive to good, productive communication.

• Fake listening: “Uh-huh”, disinterested, distracted, tuned-out.
• “Put-down” listening: critical, judgmental, impatient, comparing, “Quit whining and get to the point.”
• Filter listening: incoming data is interpreted through listeners’ beliefs and perspectives. “Either/or; good/bad; right/wrong” responses.
• Emotionally reactive listening: getting angry and defensive, hearing speakers words as accusatory or threatening.
• “It’s my turn” listening: listeners’ need to be heard overrides speakers’ talking.
• “You’re broken, I’ll fix you” listening: correcting, giving unsolicited advice, and interrupting to rescue.

Ninety present of our communication is non-verbal. In order to listen, we have to do it with our ears, our eyes, and our hearts.
Most people listen not with the intent to understand but to reply!
Often they are rehearsing what they want to say, building a story of their own that can match or top our story. 
We are often distracted by our own inner thoughts, pretending to listen, or only hearing the parts of the conversation we want to hear.
Empathic listening is listening to get the others’ worldview, to see the world from their frame of reference and to experience their world of thoughts, feelings, opinions and values.
Here are some ideas to experiment with that can enhance your listening abilities.

• Use silence to let the other person know you're listening. Simply nod your head and keep eye contact.
• Focus on what they are saying rather than thinking of what you're going to say when they are finished speaking.
• Use short responses when they are saying something that is important to them so as not to de-rail their story.
• Listen twice as much as you speak. Remember, we have two ears, but only one mouth.
• And remember that respect and understanding is much more important than formulating brilliant responses.
• Don’t interrupt. Let the speaker finish speaking then ask questions for further clarification.
• Turn off distractions like music and TV.
• Resolve to hear the person out without getting angry. You might learn something you didn’t know that could dissipate your angry feelings.
• Withhold judgments until you have all the facts and information. Listen, question, and understand.

Being a good listener means being fully present when someone is talking to you.
We don’t have to agree with everything they’re saying, but we can empathize with their feelings of happiness, anxiety or sadness.
Being a good listener is easy if we listen with our ears as well as our hearts.
Paul Hawken, environmentalist and author said, “Listening may the be cardinal act of giving. It is a silent quality. I think it is the source of peace.”

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